what i live for

happiness. its at the center of all our targets
but were all using broken arrows; were in a game with a twist
I want to be happy. we all do
but how can we when they fight?
how can we if she and her friends talk about us behind our backs?
how can we if he's getting beaten up behind the school?
and the bullies are beaten by their parents?
how can we be happy when they yell and tell us how to live? how can we live?
when theres so much pressure that the walls are closing in? when shes so pretty and so thin? i lose everything but weight.
how can i be happy when i lose what i want? when i fail miserably after trying so hard?
how can i smile while she's crying at home all alone? and them? they have no home. how can i be happy? while he's depressed and she's upset and my best friend is stressed nearly to death?
that little boy's dad just died and that man's wife? although she's married, she's desperate for a wife.
he's scared to death and she barely speaks. my grandpa is here but his body's too weak. every week it gets weaker. and every day he gets nearer. and every day i fear. the end is near. for him and for others that arent as dear.
death death and more death all the time it doesnt stop and it never will.
how can i be happy?
when she wants to kill herself; she told me herself
and he wants to kill me for believing what i believe
while they bleed and need me to feed them food. they need more than any store could buy. i try to provide what i can. to them, to him, to her, to me. i try to give and i try to live but it's so hard. happiness is so hard to see when youre blinded with pain with death with hate with hunger with sadness with confusion with--reality.

but happiness is real too
life is real. and it's here, always. it's here for us all and we're here for it. you help me and i help you and we help each other you are my brother and we are all mothers creating something new
a new world for our children to see and to feel to smell and to breathe
I'm here for them. if i had one reason to be happy it would be to show them what happiness is
and you're you and I'm me to show them diversity
we're all here for a reason
because like the seasons we must change and exchange that broken heart for a strong blood pumping organ. the same organ that plays with that baptist choir pumping life and spirit into all that hear it i want to be near it
closer to freedom closer to unity closer to life and all the happiness that life brings I want to sing! with you to them and share a swing so we can fly high up to the sky past the clouds together were stronger than gravity in any variation the world needs our procreation and dedication for any creation that we can think of. then, the doves with come and bring the peace thatll strengthen our knees and bolster our hope then we'll throw down a rope and pull the others up from the deep, dark holes that theyre stuck in. we are the ones who will save them. we are the ones who will save each other. we are the ones who save ourselves. because we, we want to live. and thats how important happiness is to us. we'll keep on shooting those broken arrows until we get a bull's eye. it'll happen one day. and because of that hope it's worth it.

do it. i dare you

you know what really gets me?
when youre in your little world, and I try
I try to reach out and just say, "hi"
but no. my heart races my head spins your world spins
too fast
on its axis NO ACCESS to your world
no bridge no walkway no crossing guard saying "it's clear! you can go!" no!
theres none of that between us
theres mountains and a huge barricade and a thick wall and a heavy door with a sign reading DO NOT ENTER USE THE NEXT DOOR but that door isnt there. not in use anymore
red lights flashing, screaming GO AWAY! GET AWAY! and my head agrees. it makes sense.
but my heart, my gut? now thats a whole other story.
theyre both screaming too but they say Go Ahead, Get Closer, Don't Turn Away, This Is Your Chance
A chance
to dance with a choice that you make
your choice
use your voice
but speak from the heart
this is the start of a dream that can be; let it be
open your window and scream the scream thats been waiting for too long to let loose and announce its inner dream
a scream from the heart that will start this conversation with a "hi"
what have you got to lose?
your loneliness? your worried thoughts? get over it, do something about it, and move on.
no need to climb those mountains, nor the barricade or wall
because love, yes love, simply love, can conquer it all
and those signs, the ones that said to go away? tell them to shut the fuck up and run the fuck away.
cause today I'm gonna pause that little world of yours; stop its rotation on its axis
because this stupid inner battle is making me sick
so I lasso my spinning head and step on the brakes to slow my racing heart
because I've decided that my "hi" will suffice as a start

i am left alone to figure out this world
yeah, i get help from others
and i help them
but two worlds are being found and in the end i'm left alone. in my own world with my own thoughts my own dreams my own nightmares my own truths to which all other world's are oblivious.


you dont have to be lost to be found
nor weak to feel pain.
im a strong individual but i cry
im hurt the most when they hurt you
im here for you if your shoulder isn't sturdy
ill hold your head up high and keep holding and holding until your neck grows strong
i guess ill try to do the same for myself
ill try

.

can i hide the way i feel?
can i close my eyes but avoid sleep?
is this world i live in real?
can i keep at this endlessly?
if i speak will i be heard?
will you listen to my words?
or am i my only ears?
youre either deaf or im brainless
i try to talk sense
but im my one and only defense

jealousy

It's so hard to compliment
yet still be self confident
where is there a balance?
it's an endless competition
between others?
no.
between self.
one way you win.
one way you lose.
you choose.

parentals.

Why do parents always intimidate us?
We always need their approval
We fear their reactions
We don’t want to hurt them
But we don’t want to hurt ourselves
We fear our reactions too
And we need our own approval

a little something i like to call unfairness.

fair
a word that should not be open to interpretation
it should be universal; understood by all
it should mean something ; have substance
it should never be swayed by selfish want, greed, pressure or persuasion; it doesn't need to be; it doesn't deserve it
it should be clear; never confused
it should be an obvious, known definition
it's simple
it's how it should be
fair
but it's not
they've always said it
"life isn't fair"
but now i've learned
they've told me the truth
over and over again
but now i see
i get it
it's so unfair
and it hurts more than i ever thought
why?
why can't it be fair?
for once...

neeze.

im so lonely i have to hug my knees to make myself feel like someone else cares
but knees are boney and hard and give in to too much pressure

up and down.

The ice cream helps

But not enough

It can freeze my tongue

But not time

It forces my face to force a smile

Feels good but just for a while

Down down down it goes

To my stomach it goes where it has to

Down down down I go

Again I fall; do I have to?

not me up.

ice cold and burning hot
tie me up in a knot
pull it tight and tighter again
dont stop yet, ill tell you when
tangle me up and throw away the key
i dont want to be saved, cant you see?
not this time not anytime
this sucks, yet i still rhyme