After seeing my high school's drama for the first time as a graduate

Disconnected.
I
feel
dis
connect-
ed
What was there
is gone.
Replaced by what is
here,
now.
This isn’t bad.
But I loved that.
Maybe tomorrow I’ll say I love this.
But that is still gone.
And part of me is, too.

.

sharing Me with We

Words are the Mess engers

singing softly, they send

What i did not know i Meant.

thoughts

I'm trying really hard to think clearly now. Even though I'm really tired, I want to get a lot of thoughts down before I forget them like the others.

There are very few times in my life when I've truly felt loved. But tonight, I did.

I like the old much better than the new. It's familiar, and there's something comforting about that.

With everything changing, I'm looking for constants.

I'm sick of not getting to these random thoughts. I'm afraid I'm not spending enough time with them. I've been desperately trying to save them by texting myself the thoughts when they occur. But then I ignore the texts.

so here they are. i'm giving them their hour to shine. but they will always be mine. through them, i shine.

Some Of What I Fear

I avoid you
I don't know if you've noticed, but
I (hide) from you
I am scared
Of what I feel
But what I fear more is how you feel
What I fear is paralysis
How to move
How to act
To react
And just be
How to give what you need
How to hug and to kiss so it comes naturally
I am scared
Of holding hands and knowing there's more
Of closing my eyes and knowing you're there, really there
And here, so near
Some may call me a coward, but it's just how I feel
But feeling too much can blind what is real
That your feelings may be just like mine
And they're fine
Comparatively, they are all benign
It's just that my thoughts contradict me sometimes
And at times I forget that things don't have to rhyme
That time
Is short
I forget this
And fear
That
As well

Crash

I am moving so fast
I see it all ahead
Straight in front of me
I just keep moving
Forward
Eyes glued to what's in store
I'm moving at full speed
Not even noticing the stop sign
I run through and

CRASH

I get hit

When I Die

I'll toss my heart in a recycling bin
Keep my memories in a tin
Store my love in a bottle and send it across the sea
Throw my thoughts into the milkyway galaxy
I'll save a spoonful of my heartaches
In the attic, with old friends
Place laughs beside stories, as bookends
I'll bury my smile with my frown just below the ground
A bowl of tears mixed with shame never to be found
I'll save some late nights and soul for those in need
A hint of happiness and a passion just enough to feed
The starving children and homeless men
Those wandering after 10:00
For those lonely and searching, my eyes will be above
Looking down, with the stars, helping you let go of
Me
You'll move on
Continue with what I give
Because after I die,
You are the ones who must live

A Love

I want to sleep in the arms of poetry
Its tender alliteration on my back
Its warm breath chilling my neck

I want to hold hands with the lines of a limerick
Sing a song with a sonnet
And dance day and night with a poem's deep meaning

I want to live with a poem
Share rhythm, repetition, repetition, and love
Kiss its cheek and nibble its punctuation until it's barely there
No pausing, stopping,
Forever

I want to die, surrounded with poetry
Protected by beautiful thoughts,
Flying dreams, simple moments, memories
Poets standing,
Words watching, remembering
Me

With all my heart,
I want poetry

For Those Who Want Love

I am desperate

I'll admit it
No, not in that way
Not that desperate
But I want love
I look for it wherever I go
Under pillows
Between fingers
With you
In me
And don't get me wrong
I know people care
I'm not depressed
Or consumed with these thoughts
But when I'm alone
I know I'm alone
So I am in search of something more
Than mom and dad
And BFFs
I want a love that I can live, each day
Can give, each day
Where I can forgive, each day
A love that I have not yet experienced
But I can bet you I will
For so long it's stayed in the future tense
But I see it
I know it's out there
And I understand it won't be laying out under a palm tree
Or from the imagination of Walt Disney
But what I know to be real
Is from hearing how others feel
What I'm looking for is not ideal
But I don't want to just deal
And heal
Alone
No
Yes, to me it's unknown
But I have grown
And I am no longer content
I'll say "I'm fine"
"Single's the way to be!"
And we cheer together
We smile together
Laugh together
But go home, alone
And I am saying
I am letting you know
That this is not how it's going to be forever
Love will sneak up on you when you least expect it
When you're so consumed
Thinking there's no room
That's when it'll come
It's my rule of thumb
Don't seek it, night and day
Just see it
Allow it
And let it stay
Overnight
Tuck it in
And say "I'll see ya tomorrow"

Sitting Still, Moving Forward

As I drive down the road
The wind blows
Through my wide open windows
The life of the night breathing on me
Into me,
Heavily
Telling me,
"The heat will pass"
Just got gas
Tank full
And mindful
Of the long road
And the asthmatic air, only
I think I breathe
Follow and feel
Tightly gripping the wheel
Sitting still
Moving forward
I feel as free
As the night's guarantee

Labels

You look at me, and you see...
A white girl.
Blonde, fairly short.
Speckled skin.
You see the dot on my nose?
You see my clothes and my face, what I can't erase.
But I've learned to embrace this race of mine I like to call Kate.
It's me, who I am. My name. My label. By which I am defined.
It's what you judge me by.
You may have heard that I'm Jewish, that I'm straight, maybe gay!? I don't know. Do you know? Does it matter? Maybe not? Could it be? That what defines you could define me? Do we need these definitions? It seems they cause continuous traditions of inhibitions. And submissions to hate. Let's make it our mission to end all divisions. And envision a day where gay and straight, and those in between, and black and white are not what they seem. A day where these colors can unite and connect, leaving their baggage of hatred to collect, and fade away. A day where love will infect, and inspire respect, so our children can reflect upon the joy we try to protect.

I am here to affect.

To collect a little bit from you and little bit from me and create a beauty for everyone else to see. And feel. And live. I am here to give. Whatever is left after this poem.

Too Late

It's 1:22
oh wait, now it's 1:23
it's getting late
i have work to do
but i sit in the kitchen eating ice cream,
scoop after scoop
2:36
He's watching TV
She's in the kitchen, too, distracted
they don't see me
over-eating
2:48
this has turned into a journal of passing time
and i'm too tired to try to rhyme
3:55
4:29
i'm losing focus,
sorry
not sure how i'll end this
4:46

My Love

I only think with my heart when touching these keys
Tapping them taps into my thoughts
My finger tips feeling reminds my heart of its job
I understand connection when we are one
I shout sentences straight through my appendages
Your face screening words I cannot scream
Seeing what I couldn't hold onto
You have everything I want to remember

stupid car radio

my car radio didn't work tonight.
i think i pressed every single button in my car to try to get it to work.
it was ridiculous.
funny thing is the car just came back from the shop today. and now the radio's broken.
stupid car.
or maybe stupid me?
anyway,
the ride was silent.
except for the hum of my car and the wind, together.
the silence made me lonely.
and even more tired.
so i used my own voice to keep myself awake.
i recited a poem.
one of the longer ones.
it was good.
they're always better when there's nothing else to think about.
after that, i tried to remember that long monologue.
the one from that scholarship i didn't get.
the accent sounded funny since i'm congested. i think it's allergies.
anyway, i wasn't impressed.
i wanted the radio, still.
still wasn't working.
stupid radio.
stupid car.
stupid is a funny word.
say it, i dare you.
stoooo-pid.
it's weird.
ok,
that's all.
goodbye.

present love (haiku)

yesterday brings tears.
i am scared of tomorrow.
my heart beats for now.

with each passing wave

i am pulled under
my feet first
stuck in the sand
sucked by the land
i don't understand

movement causes cracks
and falling hurts backs
so i stand and withstand
no room to expand
this is not what i planned
the sand is in command

another wave will come
it's useless to escape
the earth has pinned me down
i'm a victim; this is rape

holding me back
pulling me down
the earth is aware
that the ocean will drown
me

Apples and Questions

I want to follow the Doctor's orders
But it seems like he's on his lunch break
or maybe saving someone else whose life is at stake,
I understand.
But I've been wondering how people don't think he's fake.
And I'm asking where I have made my mistake.
Because when I wake from the night
I shake my head, refuse the light that is shining and searching,
I am shining and searching
My body fatigued, my head and heart ache
I dream of a plan and a wedding cake
And I know that love is no piece of cake
But the sight of angel food at least keeps me awake
and it gives me a break
From the Great Lake currents and the constant earth quakes I fear,
I fear
There is so much sound you do not hear

But his nurse left a note where I least expected
An explanation so I'd feel less neglected
It read, "an apple a day keeps the Doctor away
And you have eaten your share of apples each day"
With this fruit of knowledge, he was useless to me
He saw that I've provided my own Vitamin C

I am here, Doctor, healthy, but alone
With apples and questions
With so much unknown

all i want to do is write
i dont want to do homework
i dont even want to sleep
i would even give up food for it
and that's saying something

blackoutpoem3

a December night.
watching over the found, dead, us.
lost hearts.
not life, but pain.
nothing.
killed with self-fear.
played a role.
wanted to be something,
everything.
plagued by change.
aspiring, marketing, to be different--full of life.
buckle under pressure.
just trying to tell people hope.
that will fade.

blackoutpoem2

a moment speaks
painted in deep shades of soul
powerful, strong, always
as the tear under her eye, temporary.
the Morning.

blackoutpoem1

Dear 2010,

You're one.
You are
everybody.

Lying, we promise you a whole lot.

Our resolution: we'll be there.

Friends leave.
Sitting alone is slightly tolerable.

Enjoy your strength.
Welcome an exciting day, giving yourself, better.

Then, move on.
Clear out.

Sincerely,