i remember you vaguely from my dream last week

your lips that brushed my cheek
the words you did speak
this is one secret crush that will not leak
oh the thoughts that occurred in my dream last week!

you wouldn't believe
i couldn't believe
no one could conceive
what i did perceive
oh the sadness i felt upon this dream's leave!

i stared at you longingly
you stared back quite charmingly
our gaze did amaze
my heart
oh i skipped a part!

you swept me right off of my feet
to your noble kingdom your fleet did retreat
together we were love's greatest team
and how wonderful all the world did seem
oh i knew from this sequence that this was a dream!

we rode across the countryside
along the green grass far and wide
through your eyes i knew you could see inside
my heart, you would not harm
oh there goes my alarm!

sleep interrupted
dream interrupted
love interrupted
slowly, sadly awaken
oh my reality has been shaken!

i tied a string around my finger

to remind myself
of the tie you'd wear around your neck
of the cold fingers that fumbled around my chest
around your chest
is where i'd rest
my cheek
my face
my heart
for the rest of my life
but that part is
over
my lover, if you were still here
if the string had stayed tied
but you were right
you said the moon would pull the tides
i tried to hide from the tears i cried
but they formed new waves for me to ride
on this ever-changing,
ever-moving
ocean
of a world

I think I'm more afraid of success than I am of failure.
I am familiar with failure.
But success? It doesn't come quite as often.
I'm afraid to feel justice
because things just haven't been.
And I fear my dreams will come true.
Because then what?
What then is there to reach for?

Halloween

This was the first Halloween I did not go trick-or-treating.
I didn't receive any candy from strangers
or dress up
or run from house to house
excitement building each and every time
a door was opened before me,
no.
It didn't happen this year.
No magic.
No fun.

Yes tears,
I'm old.

,

I cannot fall.
I will not allow myself to.

I walk carefully
taking the path I know well
the clear path
keeping my eyes peeled the entire way, still

I cannot fall.
I am not prepared for the landing.

I do not see any form of support below
no netting or trampoline
or even a mat
I do not believe anyone is there to catch me
and I obviously cannot catch myself

I cannot fall.
Not again.

But if I am tripped
I hope for the strength to stand up quick enough
to keep walking
before
I
am
pulled
down
for
good

just another thought.

It's not your presents that matter most, but rather your presence.

.

I watch the clock carefully, scrutinizing each tick

Accusing every 60 minute time frame with Grand Hour Theft

1 to 12 and back again, this pattern is a trick

With every passing hour, I'll be counting on what's left


The weight of time is unbearable

Why does a second hand make all the calls?

We are free to move, yet we're still controlled

By these ticking circles on the walls

just a thought

It feels like we've been friends forever, so I think that's how it should be.

some side effects of happiness

my heart is a trampoline (a giddy little boy jumps freely)

my face is the victim in a tickle fight (giggles grab hold of my lips, my cheeks, and

my bright eyes) and youth are both undisguised

my body is weightless (the breeze lifts it up and out the window)

to float up and away (and go where the wind blows)

The clouds were up above
fluffy as could be
The birds were singing too
Pretty as could be
A wind came from above
Forceful as could be
A fight amongst the clouds
Erupting, thundering
A storm came in the blink of an eye
And the peace flew away with the doves

the little things mean the most.

To: Kate

From: Bella (camper)

It's CDR Appreciation Day, and I think you're special because....

you play with us in the pool.




This simple, little note, written in crayon by a third grade girl in my group, made my summer.

I wish

i wish kids wouldn't say "ew" before trying spinach
before trying anything new
because spinach is just as good as chocolate...for some
ok, for few

but really, i wish those pessimists would think about that cup of water for just a little longer
i wish parents had a better answer than "because i said so"
and i wish i was stronger

i wish he had told her he loved her before she left
because if he had, maybe she wouldn't have wept
and maybe they both could have slept

i wish there was a free hug stand at every street corner
and i wish family and friends would travel for simple things rather than waiting for the wedding or waiting even longer for the funeral

i wish life was more than just a waiting room for us all to sit in, hoping we eventually get the answers to our questions we came with.
i wish eating cookies was a sport that kept you fit.

i wish the world would just stop spinning. for a second, but only if there's time.
because we all need to feel and appreciate the still now and then.
oh shit, i forgot to rhyme.

i wish there was enough magic to go around, for everyone's wishes to be granted
i wish magic was real
i wish this was real
i wish these wishes meant something
to someone
to anyone
to me

i blow out one more flame on one more candle each year. one more wish. added to the list.

i wish
i wish
i wish
...

cried tears of pride

these tears are not sadness for nothing is wrong
nor are they pain for you see, i am strong
i cry not for death nor woe nor defeat
but for pride in myself for i feel complete
at last i feel whole, like one with the world
my future, in front of me, has been unfurled
a future of hope, passion and change
a future with peace and love that's exchanged
my future of freedom of life and of choice
our future of happiness where we can rejoice

FREE

i feel free
like im driving down a one way street
nothing facing me, just pushing me to keep going
i feel f r e e
enough to scream in joyful song
because nothing at the moment seems to be wrong
yes, at this moment, even i feel strong

goodbye

I'm going to say goodbye to you
just in case
in case something goes wrong
and i never see you again

I'm going to say goodbye
because i don't know if ill ever have enough courage to say hi to you again

Tonight,

I fell in love with a stranger.
I knew nothing but it just felt right.
Could be said that it was love at first sight.
But I don't know how it felt on the other side. inside.
So I just walked away from it all.
At a steady pace so I wouldn't fall.
I thought it was probably right.
And polite.
I wasn't known anyway.
Just a face. Simply. No name, future or past.
Just now, and this moment, that never seems to last.

a tiny little thought.

tiny little ants. all over my kitchen counter. i inspect. grab tissue. squish. throw out. and forget. every time i go to the kitchen i do this. without even thinking. except one day, sometime last week, i inspected. i grabbed the tissue, but i didn't squish. for some reason a ton of thoughts flooded my mind. the most significant of them was: "what did this ant ever do to deserve such a terrible squishing?" so i took the tissue and brought the ant outside. i used this tissue, something that had been used in the past to kill, to save this tiny little ant. this tiny little life.

I've found that the most beautiful things in life, people and places included, are relatable, encouraging and humble.

The Lemonade Stand.

I wait and wait for a customer
but people just drive by
I wait and wait
and wait and wait
while everyone passes by
Why can't they see?
Why don't they care?
I wait and wait
I wave and wait
I even smile
Yet nothing
Still no one
And then it rained.

hid. n.

A smile and bright eyes are both part of my disguise
Confusion aches and these tears fall, but no one sees, no one at all
Because at night is when I leave this trace; the dark is where I show my face

i hear it all even with the door shut

i hear it all
even with the door shut
the words you say force their way from your mouth to my heart
my ears will not close themselves
and neither will these wounds

you have left your mark
your loud and heavy mark
and it resounds in my ears, in my mind
all the time

inescapable
and unable to be erased
you used permanent ink
without even thinking
about me

but im down the hall and cant hear anything
or so you think

i am the man on the moon

i am the man on the moon
i saw the fork run away with the spoon
i sit in my crater, waiting for my waiter
to bring the cheese that i asked for, please

i am the man on the moon
the woman should be coming soon
i told her to be here when the stars were out
so i thought she would be here without a doubt

i am the man on the moon
i flew up here on a balloon
i was very lucky it didn't pop
but sometimes i wish i'd just fall and drop

i am the man on the moon
a single man humming a tune
with one single note to a song with one single word
but it's the prettiest song i've ever heard

a mess.

i can't stand listening to them
hearing all of them yell at each other
i can't take it
it's a huge factor for the stress in my life and they have no idea.
no one does.
they think it's just their problem
they don't realize how much it hurts me
it frustrates them
but it hurts me
but i don't feel like picking up their pieces
there are too many and it's not my job
i could, and i guess i should if i want things to change
but i want them to do it themselves
for themselves
and for me
it's their mess anyway
why should i clean it up?
i have my own piles of dirt and crap to sweep and i don't have the time to spend cleaning theirs up too.
but i spent the time thinking about it then
and i am now
and i will later

what a beautiful day

what a beautiful day to spend with such beautiful people and such beautiful things all around--in the air, on the ground, everywhere.

love.

I eat cookies 'cause they're yummy
I ride my bike 'cause of the wind
I listen closely to hear music
I watch to see the sunset and rise again
I touch to feel
And I feel to love
And I love to live
And I live for you
and because of you

i put my trust in these words.

words know me better than anyone. they are the only ones that really understand me. they're inside my mind, but i like them there, so it's ok. they're what i think about. they make a lot of sense to me. perfect sense. i feel one with them. i will forever cherish them and use them to their full potential, carefully and as correctly as i can. i love them. with all my heart. for they are the ones helping me to tell you that i love you. words connect us like the oceans connect the land. constant, strong, and powerful. i put my faith in words for they give me a feeling that nothing else can. i don't need a god. words are here for me.

before it's too late.

So the next time you think you're too good for everyone else remember that you poop at night. and the next time you think someone's better than you remember that they shit just as much as you. because in the end we're all the same. we all shit. we all piss and get pissed. we all vomit. we get sick and mess up and yell and screw up. we all eat too much and we forget things. we all cry and laugh. and laugh and cry. we do some things we don't know why. we speak before we think and we ask questions to the sky. and we all breathe. we're all here. so let's share before it's too late. before someone dies and can't shit anymore.

fa la la la la

fa la la la la
singing all alone
skipping all these stones
beautifully alone

fa la la la la
walking through the field
pulled a flower out just to
stick behind your ear

fa la la la la
hair blowing in the breeze
skirt flowing in the breeze
letting go with ease

fa la fall a-falling
tripping over my toes
then you come and catch me, i think
that's how the story goes

studying the holocaust...

I hate studying the holocaust like this. But what i hate more is being tested on the facts. I understand what happened. I don't need to be tested on all the little details just for the sake of me getting a grade because it's really not about me getting a grade. it's hard for some kids to look beyond school, but for me it's about learning things for the sake of understanding. yeah i go along with the whole school deal and study those stupid in-depth explanations and i memorize facts, but that's not what it's about for me. i hate that. it's about all those people that died. it's about remembering. it's about prevention and it's about getting the message. i understand. isn't that enough?

ANGRY.

You all kill me.
every. time.
when you say "that's gay" or "he's gay" as if it were an insult. you've all become a cult of careless, heartless fools. saying it to be "cool"? or to come back at a diss?
you don't take the time to notice that your words hurt, leaving me in the dirt.
saying it to fit in? what you think is light causes a battle, a fight, within. you don't sin? come again? you grin while you cause someone pain. i think it's insane that you've boarded the train so that you could gain, what exactly?
using someone's identity to replace the word "stupid." and i know you're no cupid, but you could at least try to spread the love.
and before you say you don't mean it that way: listen. think. feel the pain that strikes the ears of those who really hear, shooting the souls of those who know and understand--those who care. you don't.
although we may not say it, we feel it, yes i feel it, and yes, it does hurt.
every. time.
you all kill me.

blehhh

i've been home for an hour
should take a shower
but not now errr
so much to do. it's not what i want to.
gonna be up late
this is just great.

ouch.

am i rubbing my feet along the floor?
'cause i'm feeling shocks like never before
wherever i go there's static everywhere
is it me? or simply just in the air?
what i touch finds a way to touch me in return
these words freeze on the screen yet my thoughts still burn

sleep? yeah right. not after that...

i just watched american history x for the first time tonight. it was on a big screen in the west orange jcc and i was with a group of jewish teens and black teens in a program bringing the two groups together.

leaving the movie i felt weak, both mentally and physically from crying, from my body draining the strength i previously had, leaving just enough room for the emptiness i felt. i could feel the pain of the characters, and man was it painful. i always find it fascinating how movies can do that--the good ones, that is.

one word came to my mind as i left--unfair. everything about the movie was unfair. the prejudice, the racism, the murders, the violence, the beginning, and the end.
although incredibly depressing, the movie exemplified countless themes and was indubitably effective in showing the great effects of hate. this is starting to sound like a review, but i just thought i'd share some thoughts about it because they're not going to leave my mind anytime soon.

i want what i can't have (as cliche as it is)

he is not perfect. at all.
he's awkward, very awkward, but in a confident sense, and i like it
he annoys me to no end, sometimes, but there's always this weird feeling of constant respect behind it
he does what he feels and says what he thinks, and i love to hear it all
i understand him so well
i agree with him
in this way he reminds me so much of myself.
and he's mature and knows who he is and so much more about life and death
and he knows how to be goofy
he loves what i love, or what i know of
i want to know more about him and for him to know me.
and he respects me. i know it. i feel it. he shows it. and says it. i love it. he knows and understands a side of me that barely anyone else does and that's something amazing. it's so personal, yet what he does makes it so impersonal. but he cares. i can tell he cares. about me? or about his role in life? either way, it's a passion and i feel it. it's so strong and so right, yet SO wrong. am i the only one who feels something at all? probably.
i should receive this passion in the professional way he sends it. that would be right. i know i can. i've been. i know i'm not daring enough to do anything out of the ordinary, but if the difference wasn't so great and his eyes weren't trained to look away, maybe, just maybe there'd be something. anything, more.
he probably can't see it. the rings on his tree overpower any possibility.
but i can see, even if my tree with its rings and its love aren't close enough.
i know he deserves someone--needs someone. he's ready. i'm probably not, but i'm willing.
i just hope that he has some sort of glimpse out of the corner of his eye, or maybe a feeling tucked in the corner of his heart, some sort of idea of how i feel about him.
maybe we could be friends? like actual friends. but i don't know how it works. how to make it normal or to make it right.
no.
it's not even an option
i think i love him and it's really weird and it's not good news and it's completely not allowed and i don't know what to do...

maybe later. way later.

alex.

i've been sitting with alex at lunch. he's blind. in fact, he's the only blind kid in our school. not many people approach him or talk to him. i guess they think that since he can't see them they can avoid any confrontations. but why ignore him? he is a person just like you and i, and i know that if i couldn't see, the last thing i'd want is for people to forget about me. and just because he can not see does not mean he can not feel.

he doesn't even care if we talk (even though i usually bombard him with questions, something i tend to do to a lot of people). all he seems to care about is that he has someone there. that he's not alone. even if it's just for one period of the day.

it makes me angry when people simply walk by us. people that i'm friends with, people that i talk to, they all walk by. my friends always have excuses to not sit with us. it makes me so angry. i've thought about it a lot. are they scared? do they feel uncomfortable? but all i can think about it how uncomfortable he must feel. sitting all alone, everyday. why doesn't anyone else see? why doesn't anyone understand?

but some days i can't sit with him. some days i'm finishing up work during lunch or working at the school store, and i think about how lonely he must be. i make sure to stop him in the hallway and say hi. i make sure to do my best to make him feel comfortable. but most importantly i try to make him feel normal because i know that's what i would want. and really, that's the least i can do.

a miscommunication.

a miscommunication. that's all it is. all the problems i face. all the problems this world faces. it's because we don't understand each other. we will never understand someone else's feelings, thoughts, differences, or motives and this causes us confusion, sadness, anger, fighting, grudges. the only way to solve this problem is to be open--to be honest with yourself and with others about how you feel. but this is something that's very hard for most people, including myself.

oh what a day.

so yesterday was one of those do-nothing days. i got up at 11 (snow day!) ate some b-fast, then walked around the house for hours, stopping to watch tv, go on the computer, kill as much time possible before i HAD to study. when im stuck in the house for a full day im very lazy. i always have something to do but when i finally have the time to get things done i tend to choose to relax instead. always end up regreting it. im actually fully aware that i will regret it while i waste time. it's pretty darn stupid. i guess you could say i have a bad case of procrastination.

later i went outside with the boys to shovel. i pretty much had to. my dad was in california for work so my mom asked (made) us kids do it. i hate shoveling. it was especially hard because the snow was half melted already so it felt 10 times heavier. oh and it was raining. not fun. i kept saying to matt, "this is not fun."

came inside after the whole driveway was clear (and the side walks next to it). pants were soaking wet. i took them off right when i got inside and put them in the wash. didnt even bother putting another pair on. i guess i was too lazy. my mom ordered chinese to reward us for doing a job well done. went on the computer. saw that nancy's school was having matthew shepard's mom come speak. to delay midterm studying even more i watched a half hour interview of her on google video. it was life changing. definitely a highlight of the day. thank you nancy.

started studying at 10 pm. thinking about how stupid i was for not doing it earlier. why do i always do this to myself? like right now i should be studying, but instead im writing about my boring day yesterday. wow. this is really lame. i should go study.

one last thing: a thought to danielle's post on why an internet journal? i do it because it's quicker than writing. my thoughts look a bit more organized typed than on paper. started just on microsoft word, but it didnt look as cool. and i agree, it is fairly liberating.

time for physics. hopefully my focus pants will stay on.

?

why do people care more about SAT scores than actually learning something?
why do 17 year olds care more about getting their license rather than actually going somewhere in life?