blehhh

i've been home for an hour
should take a shower
but not now errr
so much to do. it's not what i want to.
gonna be up late
this is just great.

ouch.

am i rubbing my feet along the floor?
'cause i'm feeling shocks like never before
wherever i go there's static everywhere
is it me? or simply just in the air?
what i touch finds a way to touch me in return
these words freeze on the screen yet my thoughts still burn

sleep? yeah right. not after that...

i just watched american history x for the first time tonight. it was on a big screen in the west orange jcc and i was with a group of jewish teens and black teens in a program bringing the two groups together.

leaving the movie i felt weak, both mentally and physically from crying, from my body draining the strength i previously had, leaving just enough room for the emptiness i felt. i could feel the pain of the characters, and man was it painful. i always find it fascinating how movies can do that--the good ones, that is.

one word came to my mind as i left--unfair. everything about the movie was unfair. the prejudice, the racism, the murders, the violence, the beginning, and the end.
although incredibly depressing, the movie exemplified countless themes and was indubitably effective in showing the great effects of hate. this is starting to sound like a review, but i just thought i'd share some thoughts about it because they're not going to leave my mind anytime soon.

i want what i can't have (as cliche as it is)

he is not perfect. at all.
he's awkward, very awkward, but in a confident sense, and i like it
he annoys me to no end, sometimes, but there's always this weird feeling of constant respect behind it
he does what he feels and says what he thinks, and i love to hear it all
i understand him so well
i agree with him
in this way he reminds me so much of myself.
and he's mature and knows who he is and so much more about life and death
and he knows how to be goofy
he loves what i love, or what i know of
i want to know more about him and for him to know me.
and he respects me. i know it. i feel it. he shows it. and says it. i love it. he knows and understands a side of me that barely anyone else does and that's something amazing. it's so personal, yet what he does makes it so impersonal. but he cares. i can tell he cares. about me? or about his role in life? either way, it's a passion and i feel it. it's so strong and so right, yet SO wrong. am i the only one who feels something at all? probably.
i should receive this passion in the professional way he sends it. that would be right. i know i can. i've been. i know i'm not daring enough to do anything out of the ordinary, but if the difference wasn't so great and his eyes weren't trained to look away, maybe, just maybe there'd be something. anything, more.
he probably can't see it. the rings on his tree overpower any possibility.
but i can see, even if my tree with its rings and its love aren't close enough.
i know he deserves someone--needs someone. he's ready. i'm probably not, but i'm willing.
i just hope that he has some sort of glimpse out of the corner of his eye, or maybe a feeling tucked in the corner of his heart, some sort of idea of how i feel about him.
maybe we could be friends? like actual friends. but i don't know how it works. how to make it normal or to make it right.
no.
it's not even an option
i think i love him and it's really weird and it's not good news and it's completely not allowed and i don't know what to do...

maybe later. way later.

alex.

i've been sitting with alex at lunch. he's blind. in fact, he's the only blind kid in our school. not many people approach him or talk to him. i guess they think that since he can't see them they can avoid any confrontations. but why ignore him? he is a person just like you and i, and i know that if i couldn't see, the last thing i'd want is for people to forget about me. and just because he can not see does not mean he can not feel.

he doesn't even care if we talk (even though i usually bombard him with questions, something i tend to do to a lot of people). all he seems to care about is that he has someone there. that he's not alone. even if it's just for one period of the day.

it makes me angry when people simply walk by us. people that i'm friends with, people that i talk to, they all walk by. my friends always have excuses to not sit with us. it makes me so angry. i've thought about it a lot. are they scared? do they feel uncomfortable? but all i can think about it how uncomfortable he must feel. sitting all alone, everyday. why doesn't anyone else see? why doesn't anyone understand?

but some days i can't sit with him. some days i'm finishing up work during lunch or working at the school store, and i think about how lonely he must be. i make sure to stop him in the hallway and say hi. i make sure to do my best to make him feel comfortable. but most importantly i try to make him feel normal because i know that's what i would want. and really, that's the least i can do.

a miscommunication.

a miscommunication. that's all it is. all the problems i face. all the problems this world faces. it's because we don't understand each other. we will never understand someone else's feelings, thoughts, differences, or motives and this causes us confusion, sadness, anger, fighting, grudges. the only way to solve this problem is to be open--to be honest with yourself and with others about how you feel. but this is something that's very hard for most people, including myself.